56. From parental control for a teenage child to trust-based self-control
Here, teenage children mean children belonging to the age range of approximately 13 to 19 years, and adolescent children mean children belong to the age group where puberty begins and ends.
In terms of age, adolescent children are called belong to the age group from 8 to 9 at the earliest to 21 years old at the latest are called adolescents.
Adolescence is the period of transition between childhood and adulthood.
It is generally considered to start with puberty, during which sexual maturation occurs and adolescents go through a spurt in growth.
In many children, however, puberty actually begins during the stage called pre-adolescence, which covers the ages 11 to 12 years.
Puberty may begin before adolescence, but it usually continues for several years, well into the adolescent stage, which ends during the late teens.
Besides the physical changes of puberty adolescence is also a time of significant cognitive and psychosocial changes.
Many of these changes continue through the end of adolescence after most of the physical changes of puberty have already taken place.
The fetus growing in the mother’s womb is fully supplied with oxygen, nutrients, and immune bodies from the mother through the umbilical cord, and excretion of the fetus is sent to the mother through the umbilical cord for processing, while the fetus is fully dependent on the mother for growth and development to be.
Upon birth, the umbilical cord, which is the mother-fetus connection, no longer exists, and the baby is no longer completely dependent on the mother and becomes a human who is independent of the mother.
In other words, the baby can no longer receive all of the essential life-sustaining necessities such as oxygen, nutrients, and immune systems through the umbilical cord.
However, the baby is provided with essential human necessities such as love, food, clothing, and shelter from parents during the growth and development period from newborn, infancy, toddlers, preschool age, school age, and puberty to adulthood, and receive vaccinations to prevent various infectious diseases and prevent safety accidents. When receiving, they live indirectly and directly dependent on their parents.
As they grow up from infancy, preschool-age children, and school-age to their teens, pre-teens are trained according to the rules set by the parental control base for child-rearing, and then gradually act with self-control based on trust as they grow up into teens.
The question is how many privileges, how much of freedoms should be granted when starting to grant privileges and freedoms to teenage children to act with self-control based on trust.
Because pre-teens are inexperienced with how children behave and how to grow and develop, almost all of their actions and freedoms are decided and controlled by their parents.
It is normal for teenage children to exercise self-control, trying to exercise their own decision-making power, trying to avoid being controlled by their parents more and more when they become an older teenager and instinctively desire to be independent.
All parents hope there will be no shock among their teens when it comes to these changes in their teens’ ability to seek independence.
First of all, parents must understand that the desire for independence can normally arise in teenage children, prepare for it, and act smoothly with them.
Teens who like or don’t like their teens gradually becoming independent from their parents
Children will go out completely independent from their parents as they reach adulthood through adolescence.
Before adulthood, parents need to properly control the degree of their teenage children’s independence-seeking power while their teenage children gradually become independent, and the degree of growth and development and intellectual maturity of the child’s physical, mental, psychological, and social life.
Parents need to adjust the degree to which teenage children can become independent. Parents should gradually grant independence, privileges, and freedoms to their teenage children based on their trust-based and self-control.
Most teenage children try to test their parents’ trust-based self-control based on how unconditionally and truly love them.
Therefore, there arises a question of whether parents should be given a range of self-control based on a trust foundation that is fair, generous, rational, logical, and sequentially fit, or whether to strictly establish the range of parental control.
Parents, how would you decide to control your teenage children based on trust-based self-control?
Regardless of the limits set for trust-based self-control, teenage children sometimes violate or fail to comply with the limits and rules of their self-control. What’s more, if the rules of trust-based control are so tightly restricted, most teens will challenge them and find ways to get out of it and seek some other way to pursue independence. And teenage children will also try to break those strict rules.
What you should know: Regardless of how rigid or tolerant the trust-based control rules are while crossing the adolescent bridge which they must pass to reach to adulthood, many teens have a temperament to break them. Therefore, very strict and limited rules are set from the outset to help teenage children seek independence from trust-based self-control.
Next time, when parents can trust their child to be able to act appropriately according to their independence-seeking maturity, it is advisable for parents to gradually increase their trust-based self-control and to give the child more and more appropriate privileges and freedoms.
In other words, the privileges that teenage children can be given can be determined by how much parents can trust their children in trust-based self-control. As children show appropriate behavior, parents increase their privileges to their children. In other words, rather than granting a lot of privileges from the start, their privileges can be stretched according to the degree to which they can perform trust-based self-control.
It is better to give fewer privileges at first and then gradually increase according to the degree of self-control than to stand in a position of giving many privileges at first and then gradually decreasing them.
The relationship between parents and teenage children gets better when they are in a more positive position.
On the contrary, it is more uncomfortable when standing in a negative position.
In particular, when a teenage child is just beginning the life of an adolescent child, that is, when the teenage child is just beginning social life, the parents are in a position of limiting privileges, and then have the space to stand in a positive position.
By doing so, parents can be good parents.
You can stand in a position that is generous, rational, and understandable. It’s easy to become a bad parent if you give too many privileges to your teenage children who are just starting a complicated social life, raise them with very little restrictions, and then limit them further according to the results. The extent of trust-based self-control that has been established is likely to cause a lot of damage to the family as well as the child.
It is important to make the rules of conduct from a positive standpoint where possible. It would be better to be in a position to give gradually more and more privileges and freedoms to your teenage children.
The privileges that teenage children can have depended on their abilities, but parents need determination.
All teens need control from their parents, and I’ve heard many times complaining that their parents don’t love them because they don’t give them trust-based self-control.
Experience the consequences of trust-based self-control
Another factor to consider when training your teen to grow up, become an adult, have a normal conscience, and learn to behave responsibly is experiencing the consequences of the teen’s own behavior. In other words, he must experience positive consequences for appropriate and responsible behavior and negative consequences for inappropriate and irresponsible behavior.
These results should be consistent and fair and should be based on their own actions and results, not on how parents feel at the moment. Now we once again see the importance of making decisions, not based on parental control and parental spontaneous feelings.
Let’s take one of the most difficult problems of dating, for example.
Ji-ni, my daughter wanted to go on a date at the age of 12 years old. I knew that dating was simply meeting a boyfriend.
Still, I and my wife thought it was too young to date at that age. There must be a reason for setting a rule. Teenage children also have the right to know why they set rules. The reason should be with practical and simple educational aspects. It is common for teenage children to question the rules set by their parents and their values.
At this time, for teenagers, practical rules are more important than didactic rules. One of the reasons many teenage children today turn their backs on spiritual values is that certain rules and/or restrictions have so many instructive reasons. The reason they are rebellious, challenging, and prone to hostility in making parental decisions is that they don’t explain the real reasons well.
Once you’ve given a good reason, it makes no sense to have more debates with your teen about the reasons.
Let me go back to Jin-i’s date. I told her she can date it at least four years later. When she asked why not, I explained that in this world it is important to be able to perform his or her role well within the group and that the age at which the child learns to play a good role within the group is early in puberty.
It also explained that early adolescent children aged 12 to 14 have never learned to perform their roles well within the group, so there are many cases of being crippled by the city society.
I said in a solemn tone that I did not want you to be crippled. And Ji-ni explained to me that it would be right for me to start with my role in the group and then engage in social activities, including dating. Then, a year later, Jin-i said that she learned the role in the group and performed well. I and her mother admitted it.
Being well performed in one’s role in the group has shown that simply getting along with everyone else is not enough. Being able to perform well within the group also indicated that it made a positive and constructive contribution within the group. She also said that the parties or groups should have an impact on each other.
I pointed out that Jin-i was more fragrant from other people than that she influenced other children. I am grateful that Jin-i has since developed leadership within her group and was also gentle, friendly, and kind, and has also been able to demonstrate leadership in social groups other than church activities.
Protecting teens when teens have trust-based self-control
Parents with teenage children need to communicate well with other parents who have their teenage children. In particular, it is necessary to get along smoothly with the parents of their teenage children who are closest to your teenage children. Parents shared the necessary information and worries with the other parents who have teenage children in presenting a career path to my teenage children and controlling them on the basis of trust.
My daughter Ji- ni was invited several times to social gatherings we never knew about, and we were able to call the parents of her teenage friends to see if the meeting was appropriate. Whenever there is such a meeting, our parents should not hesitate to call each other to find out which questions arise about who is hosting the meeting.
Many parents today not only lend themselves to the immoral and destructive effects they have on young people but are actively encouraging them to do so.
Don’t be afraid to call other parents or event sponsors to find out the scope of activity at the event where my teen is going to take place. If not, who can adequately control and protect their teenage children?
When other teenage children asked their parents who was the organizer of the event due to the problem of my teenage children, the parents felt very happy and even greeted them very much.
When I heard that my parents really appreciate me for caring to know what was going on with me, I was very happy. Thank God that there are still positive parents in this world who love others and want to guide them right.
On the contrary, when Jin-i was 15, she was invited to a party. I called my child’s friend’s mother, who was about to hold the party.
“This is a personal party. Your daughter has been invited, so it’s up to her to come and go.” She said, “you should not care what I do at my party.” I decided that it was inappropriate for the group of teenage kids in the house. I then asked for more details about the party.
Finally, the mother became angry and told me that the teens would drink wine and cocktails in an obscene and stimulating atmosphere.
Today, both East and West, teenagers under the supervision of adults cannot be safe for that they can act soundly. I alone must not jeopardize the well-being of my children, a sincere personality, a happy marriage, a spiritual fellowship. I said this is one of the reasons why I or your father don’t go to bars or discos. I believe in myself, but I cannot guarantee that I can overcome any temptation.
I said that Ji-ni truly appreciates your exemplary behavior.
Still, you cannot deal with such specific situations by yourself.
People who can think correctly told me that this is a situation that should be avoided.
Relevance and reliability of trust-based self-control in parental total control
Parents need to keep in mind two points in training their teenage children with trust-based self-control:
First, the range of behavior of teenage children should be allowed according to the degree of trust-based self-control.
Second, before allowing teenage children to have specific privileges, to be sure they have grown and developed enough to handle those specific situations. These two seem to contradict each other, but they are not.
Too many parents confuse this.
Parents are confused with the relevance of deciding what kinds of privileges will be granted to their teenage children under trust-based self-control.
Trust-based self-control can be used by parents to determine what kinds of privileges are granted to their teens.
However, sometimes it can fail to determine the situation and its relevance.
Don’t assume that parents don’t trust their teens to see the situation and appropriateness.
Even though your teenage children are trustworthy and they are favorable and have good expectations, they are not mature enough to handle any situation appropriately.
As a result, they may be in a difficult situation to confront.
To cope with these cases, parents must protect their teenage children.
For example, suppose your daughter Jin-i was invited to a party.
Jin-i was a daughter whose parents trusted, and it was her true intention to behave properly. However, in terms of age, she was too young to be invited and was not mature, so it was difficult to deal with them well.
When I said that she couldn’t go to the party, the kid proudly asked why not. She said cautiously, pointing out that she has been exemplary so far and knows how to behave appropriately in the future, and that she herself will certainly be able to be exemplary and appropriate at that part meeting, and that my dad will trust me.
Then I replied that I was totally right about what you said.
I was proud of Jin-i and you knew I could trust her, but at this invited party, Ji-ni was under pressure and wasn’t ready and able to deal with all the situations that would arise. I thought there was no.
I also told my daughter that I was an ordinary person who, like everyone else, could be tempted at times, even though I thought I was good and reliable.
I believe in myself, but I can’t absolutely guarantee that I can overcome any temptation. I could trust Jin-i, but I thought that my daughter wasn’t ready to cope with certain situations yet.
I told my daughter that this is a situation that should be avoided if you have the right mind.
Establish limits in the transition from parental control to trust-based self-control
It is of great interest to the extent to which the limits of control should be limited for teenage children who commit misconduct based on trust-based self-control.
Like younger children, teenagers are sensitive to parental fairness. Their parents just stay away from their poor delinquent.
When training a teenage child with a health disorder with trust-based self-control
If parents are struggling to raise their teenage children with true unconditional love and train them to trust-based self-control, the teenage children may have serious health problems. In that case, you need help from other experts.
When teenage children have health problems such as depression, thinking disorders, emotional disorders, neurological disorders, and personality disorders, it is difficult for parents to control their teenage children’s behavioral problems based on trust.
Teenagers with these health problems can’t properly express their anger.
It may be difficult for teenagers to have trust-based self-control because the behavior of teenage children occurs among families and is a complex problem.
If you cannot trust-based self-control of behavioral problems due to health problems in teens, you should seek professional help immediately.
How to help late-adolescent teenagers’ trust-based self-transmitting
Even as adolescent children normally act from parental control to trust-based self-control, seek independence, and normally fall away from their parents, they help them emotionally, and economically from their parents to cross the unstable adolescent bridge into adulthood. They need to keep receiving.
Parents should strive to help their teenage children who cross the adolescent bridge more emotionally and mentally than ever before.
Parents should make sure that their teens have learned how to facilitate an independent life in adulthood as they approach adulthood.
In particular, it is good to go to summer camp on their own without parents during summer vacation or to visit relatives far away for a certain period of time while leaving their parents and living alone without parents.
In fact, children need to continue to be trained to take care of themselves while crossing the adolescent bridge and from birth to adulthood.
Whether teenage children can wash and wear clothes while living alone, away from their parents, whether they can cook and eat properly, to maintain their best health, and whether they can economically calculate according to their income and expenses and live properly, parents, siblings, relatives, relatives, etc. should be taught whether to send cards and greet them on special days or events.
Some teenage children eat instant food every day after leaving their parents, eventually leading to vitamin deficiency and malnutrition.
It takes time to help adolescents solve problems that can arise when their teens live independently. These things are never naturally known. Some teenage children who go to college may not be able to attend the first class in the morning.
Habits that persist throughout life take on a certain shape during late puberty. Before teenage children become adults, most adult traits and personalities are formed by the late teens, but that can still change.
Parents should do their best to help their teens develop good personalities and improve undesirable personalities.